Welcome back, folks, to Jailhouse Rock: The Homecoming Spectacular! I’m your host, and tonight’s grand prize is one freshly released felon, a Tahoe with delusions of limo grandeur, and enough Beaver Nuggets to choke a horse. Let’s spin the Wheel of Dysfunction and see what our contestants have cooked up!

As the Warriors shuffle in to claim their respective benches like contestants who just realized the consolation prize is a lifetime supply of Ramen trauma, the lights flicker. At the same time, the hostess waits, then plops her big arse down in her broken, dilapidated chair with all the grace of a Costco sample lady diving for free pizza.

Her excitement is over the top with anticipation that Goober will be home before she knows it, because nothing says “game show magic” like a countdown clock that only she can see.

The flea explains that she only has two more sleeps until she gets to see him and shower him with her Fleasa-love.

(Audience, please hold your applause… and your gag reflex.)

She and Bootylicker relay their plans to the Warriors like it’s Christmas morning at the Island of Misfit Toys.

The two have been making preparations and buying all of Goober’s favorites at Costco with her new club membership status. Because nothing screams “devoted wife” like a bulk pack of whatever the big house doesn’t serve.

The flea mentally goes over her ’to-do’ list and lets everyone know she still has to make his sign, get prepared herself, and the giggles that Goober has no idea what they have up their large tight sleeves.

“He will be quite surprised when he sees us.” The flea giggles like a schoolgirl skipping home-ec.
The big news from Bootylicker’s camp is that Goober will be so surprised because he doesn’t even know Bootylicker is in town. Surprise! It’s the third wheel nobody ordered!

Goober, deep in Volusia County jail, thinks it’s going to be Kim driving the Flea to pick him up in his own truck, and boy-howdy, will he be surprised it’s not Kim or his truck.

Nope, sounds more like Bootylicker will be running the Tahoe Exchange and chauffeuring the flea to-and-fro to get her felonious felon of a man.

(Contestant #2 just stole the driver’s seat, folks!)

Goober relayed to the flea that he was worried that “something may happen’ to his truck if anyone drives it, but Fleasa already hinted to Goober that, come hell or high water, she will be there even if she has to send a limo to pick him up.

Fleasa gives a hearty laugh and boasts, “He will get picked up in a limo (Tahoe?) with red carpet and all.”

“It’s going to be funny. I am going to film it, but I don’t know if it will be live,” Fleasa giggles again.

She reports that Goober is back and forth about whether to go live, and she spills her feelings about how Goober always changes his mind pretty frequently and flips flops often.

(Will it be live or Memorex?)

eye roll so hard it could power the studio lights

After Goober’s release from the clinker, he wants to take a shower first and foremost. They originally thought he would go to a truck stop and pretend he’s a trucker hauling azz across the interstate, but found out there are no open truck stops he can visit.

(Sorry, contestants; no free trucker cosplay this round.)

But rest assured, they will stop at Buc-ee’s after the big release and get that man a brisket sandwich.
And face it, nothing says freedom like a mouthful of tasty Beaver Nuggets.

(Bonus round: Who can eat the most without thinking about the last 53 days of jail cuisine?)

The flea gets giddy as she promises that before she goes live on Tuesday night, there will be a lot of “fun stuff happening.”

eye roll

The flea goes over her extensive plans after the man’s (?) release and how they will try to trick Jules when he comes home.

(I bet Goober is more excited to see his dog than the Bootlicking third wheel)

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(Camera 3, stay on the dog, she’s the only one with dignity left.)

More release talk, more giggles, more anxious flea ramblings fill the dank gar-tudio. Bootylicker claims Fleasa is more anxious than a newlywed waiting to….
And the big old flea giggles again before Bootylicker can even finish her sentence.

(Thanks for the save, editing room.)

Rest assured, Goober has let the flea know that he is ready to devote the next twenty years to the flea because he loves her so much more now that he has been in the big house.

(This flea fodder is getting thicker than a Snicker and is oozing with flea goo now)

Lorty-bee

We learn that when he gets home, Goober will be out front playing with his ‘chicken’ and won’t go inside right away.

Instead, they want Jules to hear Goober out on the porch fondling, err, playing with “their” special toy while the womenfolk egg on the dog to find daddy.

(Oh wait! Don’t choke the chicken, Goober!)

squawk

(Audience participation encouraged, please squawk along at home!)

Rest assured, they will film the whole thing, because nothing says great content like a good chicken squawking and dog teasing.

Plans are in place to film the dog from all angles to capture her reaction to Goober’s return to freedom.

(side note: I bet Jules will be excited, just like when any daddy gets out of the bighouse and comes home)

eye roll

The talk soon turns to Goober’s distaste for jail food and how Ramen will no longer be allowed in the Fleaville kitchen. Goober relayed that “he doesn’t know when he will eat another burger.”

The flea explains that burgers will remind the Goober too much of the ‘big house’ days. But rest assured, the flea claims ‘he will get over it’.

(Spoiler: trauma never gets over it, but keep spinning that wheel!)

The chatter in the studio turns to whether this has been the longest she has been away from Goober, and the flea sighs deeply as if the world is on her shoulders.

She claims this 60, err, 53 days has been the longest, and she boasts that he “got some good behavior,” so it wasn’t the full 60 days.

She whines, “But those minions will tell you differently, especially that Shizzy Dumb Nutz.”

The flea professes that neither she nor her hubby-bubby have much to say about the minions, but rest assured, Goober does have plenty to say, “and he’s going to say it.”

A warrior pipes in that “he won’t be a felon any longer, “ and the flea pipes back, “that he will still be a felon on paper, but it will disappear over time.”

The flea groans deep from her big, rumbling, soured belly that they (the minions) “don’t know what they are talking about”

The flea turns in her best Lipzy LaRue voice, and Valleygirl explains that the minions just aren’t involved with the process. “They didn’t even vet the information; they just don’t know.”

(Is he planning on getting a coveted ‘White House’ pardon, because chances are pretty slim that this federal felony conviction will be expunged anytime soon.)

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(Host note: We’re not holding our breath for that pardon envelope, folks.)

The flea perks up like a whistling tea kettle and says that once Goober gets home, they will show everyone “just how innocent Goober really is.”

She soon promises to show the world that coveted “arraignment that started this whole mess.”

The fleas’ voice turns deep and menacing as she reports that when she shows this video, “you will be able to see ‘the victim’ talking to the judge, the judge talking to Goober, and you will be able to hear for yourself!”

The flea racks her brain and soon gaslights her Warriors into believing they have already seen this elusive video that she supposedly aired previously.

A few of the Warriors agree that they have seen it as if they were the chosen ones.

(Congrats, Chosen Ones, your prize is selective memory!)

A long discussion ensues about whether the video was actually played, and Bootylicker claims she was in the gar-tudio when the flea played it. The flea then suggests it may have been a members-only event.
Since so many people say they haven’t seen it, the flea promises to show it “soon”.

“We will play it again just to show how innocent he really is,” the flea boasts with a new confidence.

(Uh-huh, sure thing, Flea-ho, and you always keep your word, right? And, and…if Goober was “so innocent,” why didn’t you appeal the conviction? Was it because he’s guilty and he willingly signed a special deal for umpteen years’ probation and a fine instead of a jury trial?)

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(The truth is behind Door Number 3, and nobody’s opening it.)

The talk turns to blaming the Warriors themselves for not seeing the video, because after all, she showed it.

Fleasa soon begins peddling another diluted swamp-of-an-idea: that it was all over “a discrepancy with a client” and no felonies were committed.

She whines that this was all back in 2018, a full eight years ago. She then slips in that “The other one was a complaint that they just added to it to make something stick with Goober.”

eye roll

“It’s really not a theft or anything,” she explains.
Soon, the flea voice turns sour again, and she growls, “As a matter of fact, this woman ended up getting more money.”

Bootlicker pipes in from her stanky corner that it wasn’t even Goober that was involved. “It was the other guy.”

(Other guy? Uhm, other guy?)

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(Plot twist incoming, or just more gaslighting. Place your bets!)

Fleasa adds to the lighting of the gas lamps and pushes out, “Gabe wasn’t the one at this point.”
Bootylicker quickly cuts Fleasa off and hisses, “They STOLE Goober’s labor!”

The flea adds that this is a ‘victim’ who basically got work for free. The flea gives a nervous giggle and whines to her listeners that poor “Goober has been dealing with this for eight years!”

(Ahh, don’t ya love when she tugs at the Warriors’ heartstrings to help push her agenda?)

blink

“Eight years for this bull-chit, and that’s why, like I told you the other night, when we went to court, and we showed all the proof and everything.”

“They came back and said something, and I was like, oh, so they do not want to admit they were wrong, right? Because they should have been in civil court, right? So they want to do 21 days for the violation.”
The flea continues her rant about Goober’s troubles and reminisces about her day at Volusia County courthouse.

“I just looked at him like, time served. He said, yeah, okay, tell him to do it. He said, yeah, I said to him, do it.”
“So that is what we did. 21 days, and it is over. It is all over. They just have to go back after he does his time and look at everything, or however they do it, and check that he finished the probation and also paid the restitution.”

“Once they see that it was done before any of this happened, it will be taken care of. That is what has to happen. That is why it is going to look a certain way on the docket, but it is really not,” the flea whined.

“Anyhow, this is all over and done with. People, the minions, think, oh, everybody has probate and that has to do this or that or, or what about this? No, dumbasses, you obviously do not know what is going on. He never did. So it is done. It is over. Yeah, it is done. It is over. That is it. Gabe is not in trouble. Gabe has never really gotten into trouble. Some idiot, oh, we are going to talk about this for a second too.”

Soon, the flea doubles down and growls deep into that tattered, crusty mic about Mark V.

“There is a 70-year-old man who has been posting my transcripts, giving my transcripts to the people who harass me all the time. I do not know what kind of transcript program he is using, but it is geared a certain way, and the way these people are using it is a spin.”

The flea goes over Mark’s recent remarks, and she is pissed like a mad hornet.

“He has been doing this for quite a while. He posts everything related to my show. He does transcripts on MY show every night. He is doing one right now!”

he-he (

Host note: Mark just became tonight’s Most Valuable Player, send flowers!)

“He has posted everything about Goober, and Goober is like, Goober is getting out. Goober posted Goob’s link, you know, Goober, how to get there, how to sign up for it, how to make sure you are an observer in this.”

The flea swallows a big phlegmy-lemmie and continues her rant further.

“This guy is obsessed with what is going on with my show, my channel, me, my husband, and talks about us all the time. Right now, he is trying to play, well, here is a link, you know, just be respectful. Really? Are you respectful, Mr. Markman? V, are you respectful? No, no, you are not. You are not what you call a journalist. You are not even a researcher.”

gasp

(The audience gasps right on cue…professional!)

“You are someone who seems to be obsessed with myself and my husband, as if I were a national news or something. You are like Mr. CSI, and you think you know what I understand. You want to be part of a gang and be relevant at your age because you have nothing better to do. But here is the thing: I said this the other night. You came after me, and you cannot get anything right. You are basing your stuff on lies.”

“Germy told you, a fraud and this and that. You think I should be investigated. You think that you have the right to come after me and try to research me because of nonsense they have been telling you?”

Soon, her words become muddled further as her mini rant against Mark V. continues into the dank air.
“So you are on their little team over there, right? And you feel like you have the right. Well, I have news for you: Germy has been lying for months and years- a fraud, a felon, all this stuff. And you guys have been calling Goober a felon before this even happened, even flucking happened”

The flea doubles down and growls further towards Mark.

“You have been doing nothing but lying, manipulating, misrepresenting. I mean, so much flaming, dehumanizing, all of it.”

She soon attempts to garner more hatred towards Mark and tells her Warriors, who are intently listening on the edge of their benches, “And this guy is part of it. He thinks that because he kept coming after me, he is going to go after my husband.”

“Well, what is the difference? You have been doing this for going on at least a year. What is the difference if I turn around and say, okay, you go after my family and look them up?”

“Let’s see, who are you? Because I didn’t know who the hell you were until I saw your name over and over and over, posting, posting shit. So who the hell is this guy?” she explains to her Swallowers and Wallowers.

The flea turns the tables rather quickly and claims, “I looked him up. I see all of his family and everything, and I am like, oh, look at that. Oh, you want to go after my husband? Well, what about this kid? What about that kid? Really?”

“But when I mention the fact that if I did this to you, you would take it as a threat. Did I do anything like that? That is not a threat. That is not a threat. Promise. That is what it is, a promi